Giving up the reigns...

I am constantly fighting migraines and today is no different. I've tried medicine, acupuncture, diet and nothing seems to work. Today I began looking into what in my personality may be contributing to my pain and I stumbled upon something. Control.

I have always tried to have complete control over my life, my career, what people think of me, my home and even the people around me. In all my efforts to be perfect, I am coming to realize that my perfectionism is creating a less perfect life than if I just give up the reigns and trust the universe will take care of me.

Louise L. Hay writes in her book You Can Heal Your Life, that "Migraine headaches are created by people who want to be perfect and who create a lot of pressure on themselves. A lot of suppressed anger is involved." I've got to say, this is right on the money. She suggests in her book that you create a new thought pattern: "I relax into the flow of life and let life provide all that I need easily and comfortably. Life is for me."

I'll let you know if it works...

Flying off the Handle

I tend to overreact. Big time. I wish that I didn't. When I'm done flipping out (and, I do mean flipping out), I often feel as if I am waking up after getting drunk and doing something very stupid -- guilty and ashamed over how I acted.

I'm turning 30 on Sunday and in this next decade, I would prefer to not do this. Oprah once said (and, I am paraphrasing) that when you react to small things in a big way, it is because in that moment, you feel small. I think I feel small a lot. If we are all G-d's children, how can this be so?

Wanting...

Recently, I have greatly wanted a new permanent position at an organization where I have been volunteering. For at least half of my almost full year volunteer position, signs have been, lightly at first, and then pounding me, eventually, off the head. This position wasn't right for me. I could not be happy in such an environment and most importantly, it's not what the universe had in mind for me. Nevertheless, I proceeded -- in part my wanting was encouraged by false promises, but I am fully responsible for ignoring the signs -- I thought I knew better and I wanted the signs to not exist. Intellectually, I actually knew I was being promised things that no one intended on keeping, but I persisted -- I WANTED that position. The universe was laying another path before me and because it was less direct and I couldn't see the end, my pride took over and it culminated in an emotionally charged and, frankly, toxic week. I now have to trust that the universe will take care of me even though I do not know and can't control what will happen next. I have to let go of my anger and trust in nature's justice system. Betty Laverdure, an Ojibway pioneer in tribal court reform, once said "Everything's a circle. We're each responsible for our own actions. It will come back." Going into another work week, I will keep Ms. Laverdure's words in mind as I consider my own actions and let go of the actions of others.

Manhattan Powhatan

Chief Powhatan (father of Pocahontas) was quoted as saying, "Why do you take by force what you could obtain by love?" To the native people of Virginia, acquisition was indeed possible, but should not be accomplished with unnecessary friction.

I sit now, almost 500 years later and 19 stories in the sky, a Native American of a new generation on the island of Manhattan. I look around at all that I have and wonder, "how much force was necessary?" Of course, I'm not talking about the force in the same exact sense as Chief Powhatan, I'm talking about the force of stubborn ambition. The force of ignoring the signs of the universe. At a very young age (like so many of Manhattan's current inhabitants), I became rich, I had a powerful job and I was acquiring the best of everything. Almost a year ago, I stopped forcing and I started just living. I started following the signs. Today, I have more than I had a year ago--not just materially, but my life is rich.

Nevertheless, I struggle to not force things. I'm inpatient. I think I know better than the universe. I 'm anxious. But, I'm learning to remember the way to go will fall before me. These messages are a reminder to me (and you...if you are out there) to find joy in simplicity, to listen to the universe and, if I acquire, to acquire by love.